site logo

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

February 16th, 2017 14 Comments

hostess-twinkies-300x200

 

During the course of the last two years, I’ve been busy—obsessed really—doing what professional writers do best: finding excuses not to write.

 

I don’t want to boast, but I have to admit that when it comes to this particular skill, I have no equal.

 

First, there was the clean-up of the sixty trees brought down by a killer snowstorm. I had to cut the crowns from the trunks, drag those tangles of branches hundreds of feet up the slope to the ridge where our house sits, and reduce them to sawdust with an industrial-size chipper that seemed as eager to swallow up me and my companion as it was to devour the broken limbs we were feeding into its voracious maw. Then I had to cut the trunks down to size, haul them up the ridge, feed them through a splitter, and stack them in a woodpile that now rivals the house itself in size.

 

This months-long chore left me utterly exhausted, much too tired to even think about writing.

 

Then, of course, there were the mandatory backpacking trips into the Sierras—six or eight of them in the course of the last two summers, two of them over 12,000 foot passes where the trail was little more than a ledge and the eight and nine hundred foot drop-offs struck terror into my timid heart. (I, like Jimmy Stewart, suffer from paralyzing vertigo. Like him, I look up. I look down. I look up. I look down…and nearly pass out from the dizziness and nausea at war with my desire to jump.)

 

Sit down and write after such experiences?

 

No way.

 

I was simply too busy healing my shattered psyche.

 

Last but far from least, I wrote a novel—Masquerade, the book I had promised you, dear readers at the end of Confessions of a Hollywood Nobody.

 

Wait! I hear you say.

 

That was writing. I thought you said you’d done no writing during the last two years.

 

True.

 

It was, and I did.

 

But here’s the really clever thing: I used the writing of my novel as an excuse not to write my blogs.

 

Writing as an excuse not to write!

 

It’s that sort of genius that separates me from my peers.

 

Peers like Jameson Parker, who brings shame to the ranks of writers everywhere by faithfully doing a weekly blog, by producing an endless stream of magazine articles, and by composing a new novel even as he publishes another (Dancing with the Dead—due in April and not to be missed).

 

Far be it from me to be critical of a fellow wordsmith, but he seems to have no conception of the fundamental role procrastination plays in the life of the serious writer.

 

He simply can’t help himself.

 

I forgive him, however, not simply because he is a writer touched by the gods with talent but also because he is the one who called my attention to the fact that there has been a recent surge of demand for bringing back my blog, informing me that two (count them—two!) of his readers had asked him what had happened to me and whether my weekly column would ever reappear.

 

It’s hard to argue with numbers like that.

 

Even so, I decided to do a little research to confirm this great reawakening of interest in my work.

 

First, I went to the IMDB, where I discovered that my rank on the Star Meter was 494,256! I was beside myself with excitement until I discovered that this was not the number of followers I had. It was, instead, my position on the list of Hollywood types covered by the site’s date base—that there were 494,255 people more popular than I.

 

Hmmm.

 

A disappointing number on the surface.

 

But it occurred to me that it might look different if placed in context.

 

I decided to check the rank of my old friend Steve White, producer of both Death of a Cheerleader and Talk To Me.

 

These were, of course, his most important credits, though he does have a few other minor show-biz accomplishments: road manager for The Grateful Dead, founding member of The Groundlings, first head of Francis Coppola’s American Zoetrope, head of movies and mini-series at NBC, head of New World Pictures during the era of Heathers and Hell-Raiser, producer of The Devil’s Advocate and a handful of other features along with dozens of television films, and on and on and on.

 

I thought it would be instructive to compare Steve’s IMDB rating with mine.

 

Guess what?

 

Steve was at 624,795…and falling!

 

A pathetic record compared to mine: 494,256…and rising!

 

494,256 and rising!

 

Numbers don’t lie, and these numbers clearly confirmed the popular demand that had surfaced on Jameson’s website.

 

But before I made a decision, I decided to seek out further evidence of this incredible surge in my numbers.

 

I launched a Google search for interest in my Death of a Cheerleader (the movie that launched Tori Spelling’s career in television films and spawned such classics as Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? and Coed Call Girl), and the results were astonishing.

 

1,850,000 hits!

 

Oh, a few of them were for Nicole Kidman’s To Die For and a handful were for foods to die for, but there it was: page after page of hits, in Chinese and Russian, French and Spanish, and God only knows what other languages. Even a current blog about it. And get this. A song about it!

 

I was entirely unprepared for what I had found, but when I calmed down and had a chance to think rationally about it, I concluded that the numbers were very likely inspired by my masterful performance as THE JOGGER who opens and closes the film.

 

And so…

 

…here I am.

 

Like Crispy M&M’s…

 

Like McRibs…

 

Like the legendary Twinkie…

 

I’m back!

 

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!

 

 

COMING SOON

 

LA LA LAND

 

A DISSENTING REPORT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share Button

14 thoughts on “BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

  1. Carole Kennoy

    So happy to have this chuckle. Funny, I thought about you just a couple days ago and wondered why I hadn’t seen anything on FB from you. Thought maybe you were busy with young grandsons. Glad to hear you are busy, healthy and happy. Love and hugs, Carole

    Reply
    1. Dan Bronson Post author

      Glad to have given you a few laughs, Carole. Do you remember Sheriff John Rovick and his cartoon show? “Laugh and be happy,/And the world will laugh with you.” Good advice, though he’s also the one who sang, “Put another candle on my birthday cake,/I’m another year old today.” If I were to do that, I’d probably end up starting a five-alarm fire.

      Reply
  2. Pam Jones

    Well, I for one am so relieved and excited to know I have somewhere to surf other than college admission sites and how to cook for a dozen college men recipe posts. Been missing that deep, hearty laugh as you hug and kid with your petite, lovely bride. Looking forward to all you have to say!

    Reply
    1. Dan Bronson Post author

      Thanks, Pam. As you know, I always have a lot to say–though there may be a few mean-spirited individuals out there who would dispute whether any of it is worth saying.

      Reply
  3. Anne

    It’s great to see you back online! I look forward to the weekly dose of writing inspiration. Is there a date for “Masquerade”?

    Reply
    1. Dan Bronson Post author

      Thanks, Anne. As for MASQUERADE, don’t expect to see it any time soon. It’s currently making the rounds of agents and publishers, and it won’t be an easy sale: it breaks a lot of rules and ignores a lot of conventions. As I recall, even a book as mainstream as Kathryn Stockett’s THE HELP received something like sixty rejection letters over the course of three years.

      Reply
  4. Diana Paul

    Nice blog. I sat next to Sonja at Rob Gilbert’s association last year. She told me about your memoir – “Confessions of a Hollywood Nobody.” Very nice – a great read. Do you ever do any consulting about screenplays?

    Reply
    1. Dan Bronson Post author

      So glad you enjoyed the blog and the book, Diana. The answer to your question? Yes and no. Yes, I have done it on occasion. No, not lately. It’s very time-consuming, and time is something I seem to have too little of these days.

      Reply
  5. Steve White

    How could there even be 600,000 people in show biz? Dan, I hope wall papering you site with my credits gets you a few more followers = it obviously hasn’t done a thing for me.

    Best

    Steve

    Reply
    1. Dan Bronson Post author

      I suspect that the IMDB stats include everyone living or dead who ever had anything to do with Hollywood along with every movie, every episode of every television series, and so on endlessly. The numbers are a bit humbling, but as an old friend once observed, “Better a has-been than a never-was.”

      Reply
      1. Mary

        That reminds me of a line in “Tootsie” The old soap opera star says “I am an old has-been” and Tootsie say “how can you be a has-been when you are a never-was.”

        Reply
  6. Diana Paul

    One of the many things I liked about your book was your thoughtful analysis of other works. Your log lines and pitches at the end were great. I recently finished a screenplay for the non-profit – Love Delivers. It’s about birth in the USA and the fact that we are the lowest ranked industrial country in terms of maternal and infant mortality. If you are willing, if you have the time and if it didn’t break the bank, I would love to know what log line you would write for it.

    Reply
    1. Dan Bronson Post author

      Well, log lines and pitches were my life’s blood for many a year. So far as your request is concerned, I feel that that’s a private conversation. Why don’t you click on the “CONTACT ME” button at the end of the “GREAT PERFORMANCES” page (the one with the tuxedo’d figure bowing in a shower of roses)? That way, we can continue our exchange without publishing it.

      Reply
  7. Mary

    Procrastination-never do anything today that can be put off until tomorrow. There will be a procrastinators meeting held someday whenever we get around to it.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Top of Page
Top of Page